We often tend to take them for proofs of love. Wrongly. These feelings are lost each other and bring us back to us.
Jealousy, overprotection, dependence, hyperintensity, possessiveness. Their common? These emotions are all part of being in love, but cannot be considered an expression of true love. “Each one has the feature to remove the other and back to the same, that is to say to oneself,” says psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. It highlights the challenges that lie unconscious in what is taken too fast for proofs of love.
Jealousy
It is unbearable, the gaze of the other that focuses on one or another we. More bite is painful jealousy, love seems more profound. But if jealousy is inseparable from the feeling of love, it is far from being the major criterion. In true love, two parts are played simultaneously: between subjects, “like” and among objects, “I am loved.” But in jealousy, only the dimension “love object” is active. Because jealousy is experienced primarily as a love object of the other, he can not bear his gaze turns away from him. He thinks he loves, as he suffers at the thought of not being.
But what about her love for him? That is the question that begs jealousy. In fact, excessive jealousy ignores the other while nourishing. It speaks only of itself, these narcissistic injuries, this difficulty is constituted as an autonomous being, as a subject. In this relationship, the other is liked because it gives the consistency of being jealous that he lacks. Jealousy also comes support or strengthen erotic desire by introducing into the relationship, even in fantasy, third rival.
Overprotection
I’m worried about you, I give you the sweet life, I will protect you… “Ti voglio bene”, “I wish you well,” also means “I love you” in Italian. At first glance, nothing more authentic than this altruistic love expressed in the care of others and a certain selflessness. However, the unconscious has no need of donations, which do not relate to him and he does research really just personal rewards.
Although it is not easy to admit, love is caring actually for our own internal parental images to which we give a lesson to the tune of “This is how you would had to treat me as a child, bad parents! “As our partner, he said,” Your turn now to take care of me. “Or,” You have no interest in leaving, no one will treat you better than me. “In any case, it is clear that this is an alliance that aims, and succeeds sometimes, to heal wounds of childhood abandonment, physical or psychological abuse. It’s not so much exceed, or even to forget, that to right the wrongs of the past.
Dependence
“Do not leave me / [...] Let me be / [...] The shadow of your hand / The shadow of your dog…” Jacques Brel, praising the emotional dependency. Be dependent is to be desperate to not be faced with the unbearable emptiness of self that arises when the other moves away. Like a child who feels alive and safe until it is connected to his mother.
Dependence love about love, but unrequited love, hurt, cheated. As if, at the very beginning of his life, the child had been wrong about the goods ‘love’ (his mother was really present in this melee, really loving?) And it was more Later, partly realized. Having been emotionally malnourished, he cannot stand on its own.
That is why love addiction translates to adulthood, the desire to repair the deep wounds caused by this first merger “failed”. But this remedy is doomed to failure because the total and permanent fusion with the other is impossible.
The hyperintensity
A loving relationship is found exclusively on tempo appassionato, “passionate”. This is probably what makes say: “It’s true love, true”, as the sensations and emotions are overwhelming that it causes. Temporality is thereby changed, now there is time before the meeting, passed a true sense of emptiness, and this, breathless, devouring everything in its path. Because it is driven by need, not by the desire, feeding and lack of waiting, this love is consumed immediately after being consumed.
This mode of love, in which words are often a source of conflict, is that all adolescents and those who fear the exposure of self implies a true intimacy with another. The roar of passion covers all other sounds. In oneself and around oneself. Thus, a time at least, it can hide the emptiness, the impasse or a relationship misunderstandings.
Possessiveness
The desire for possession is a component of love, but when it is central and permanent, it is not love that question, but of fear. Possess, it is unable to love as hand and eye. Without a sense of control the perimeter of the other life, the panic, irrepressible, springs from the depths of the psyche. “Because this is another me, I cannot let it get away. “The Possessive, unlike the addict, not seeking merger: it cannot merge with someone he considers to be part of it, as a member or organ. Possessiveness, more archaic than the feeling of jealousy, just touch the limits of the body, its psychic representations.
Thus, when the possessive loses control of the other, he feels threatened in his own life, as if his partner left him battered, gutted vital.
I just got divorced after eight years of marriage too monotonous with a husband older than me. Since then, I crack almost all…
